Santa in Gibraltar for Christmas

Santa in Gibraltar for Christmas

Santa Claus shivered as he emerged into the weak winter sunshine at Gibraltar’s southernmost tip. When he booked a Mediterranean Christmas break, he remembered reading about the re-development of Europa Point. Surely Gorham’s Cave had been given a makeover too? After all, wasn’t Gibraltar Woman found there – the one that would have been more famous than Neanderthal Man (for she was older) had it not been for clever marketing by those pesky Prussians or whatever they were.

But no, sad to report, Gorham’s Cave seemed to be as cold and inhospitable as it was during his first visit in 2009. He was past caring whether Gibraltar Woman was the oldest European human ever discovered – he thought there just might be another one stuck down there judging by that curious stench.

So what was this much loved Christmas figure up to by visiting Gibraltar in December? It was all due to his age. He blamed H.M. The Queen – 85-years-old and she’d just done a tour down under. And in 2012, not just the Olympics but her Diamond Jubilee too. “Face it,” he said to himself, “she might be much loved and all that, but she’s made us older chaps feel really guilty about retiring.”

Then there was Rudolph to consider. He wasn’t getting any younger and the cold was getting to his antlers. So Santa decided that this year, he would outsource all his seasonal duties to some out of work investment bankers – who’d set up a grotto in his name in the City. Santa decided wisely to pack it all in and spend “the holidays”, as Christmas now seems to be called, here in Gibraltar.

But after hundreds of years, what’s a chap to do at Christmas if not dispense good cheer and bonhomie? He was bored, but remembered his old friends The Rock Family. He reminded himself all about “The Rocks” by looking up the December 2009 edition at www.thegibraltarmagazine.com. He went off in search of them.

It had all changed quite a bit, what with King’s Wharf and the other new developments on the west side. And what about the new buses? They might be free but he wasn’t allowed on. Anyway Rudolph gets a bit upset as he has the monopoly on Santa transport but the sleigh is a difficult vehicle to manage in the Upper Town. They settled on a pair of the new Gibibikes and out stepped our hero to see what the Rock family wanted for Christmas.

“Ho-ho-ho” went the doorbell that had been adjusted for the season. The festive lights flickered as the neighbours’ own lights went out altogether. Santa had read about all the new buildings putting a demand on the electricity but all he’d done was ring the bell, honest.

After what seemed an age, Mrs. Rock duly appeared at the door, albeit after some none too discreet curtain twitching. She didn’t seem over keen to greet the visitor but smiled at him weakly. “If you’re coming in, wipe your reindeer’s paws, vale?”

Santa breezed in as Rudolph trailed rather mournfully behind. The whole family was at home – Mr. Rock Senior (miserable as sin, as always), Number One son, daughter-in-law and baby, and the 20-year-old rascal that passed for Number Two son. Santa smiled – for that is what Santa does – and told them he wanted to gift them finance-related presents for Christmas.

Old man Rock just wanted some crisp £20 notes – “and not any of those that were taken out of circulation in the summer if it’s all the same to you”. He explained that he’d been given one in his change in the bar the day before and was lost as to what to do with it. The problem was that his bank account was empty and they wouldn’t give him an overdraft. That’s because his credit card was full – or “maxed out” as his second son called it. He was going to be in for a very austere time if Santa didn’t come to the rescue with some readies.

Mrs Rock had other things on her mind. She didn’t want pounds because she was going to Spain to get her Christmas shopping. Loyal shopper in Gibraltar she wasn’t. Could Santa please do something about the exchange rate? “So I can get more euros for my pounds,” she said. Santa looked at Rudolph who rolled his droopy eyes under his antlers. “How many more times Mrs. Rock?” pleaded Santa. “The plural of euro is still euro, not euros.” She really didn’t care – it was all Greek to her! She was sure there was a joke in there somewhere, if only she could understand it.

She tried another tack. “Alright then, what about a higher interest rate for my savings?” Santa explained that this was another thing altogether but that because of the economic situation, she was unlikely to see the rate rising any time soon. “It’s all to do with no money being around you see?” She told him she didn’t see at all and disappeared into the kitchen.

Santa turned to the next generation. “And what would you like by way of a financial present this Christmas?” he asked Number One son and his wife. They pondered for a second – and the baby pouted. They do a lot of pondering these days now that all their money goes towards the little one’s upkeep. They explained that what they really wanted was low interest rates so their mortgage payments would remain affordable. Exactly the opposite present to the one demanded by Mother Rock who wanted higher rates for her savings.

Santa explained that the “base rate” was likely to stay at very low levels for quite a while longer. The banks are free to set whatever rate their clients would accept – if they were prepared to lend in the first place. Then there was the “arrangement” fee that can add a fair amount on to the real effective interest rate.

So rates for savings were low and rates for mortgages can work out to be comparatively high, if you can get the loan in the first place. Not really what the young family wanted to hear. Santa felt his despair coming on again. The same feeling he got last year when he spent Christmas spending money with the Greek Prime Minister – but that was quite another story.

Then Number Two son piped up. “OK then clever Santa,” he sneered, “what’s all this about quantitative easing, then?” Santa was startled. It turned out that the lad was studying economics. “Crikey,” thought Santa. “A know-all; just what this family needs”.

He thought about his answer for a moment, wondering whether he should even start attempting to explain that it was when governments issue new debt by paying for it themselves thereby increasing the amount of money in circulation, when old Mrs Rock returned and chimed in. “Quantitative easing? Isn’t that what cousin Cloti had last year, dear? You remember; when she was suffering from her trouble. She got some ointment and that sorted it though.”

Rudolph raised his eyes again, pointed at his watch and brayed, “Come on Santa, we’ve got to go”. Santa looked round at the family and had to agree. They all want something different but they can’t all be satisfied because if one person is happy that can only mean that the others are not – economics just doesn’t allow it.

Santa decided to send them all an M&S voucher – they’re very nice they are – and he went back to the Cave with Rudolph for the rest of the holidays. Actually it wasn’t too bad there, after all. As he settled down to his Christmas dinner whilst Rudolph went to play with the apes on the Upper Rock, Santa reflected on the year just past. As he took out the new jumbo Su-Doku book that his favourite reindeer had bought him for Christmas, he grinned as he contemplated a few days away from worrying about the economy. If it’s all going to pot, he thought to himself, this here Gibraltar is just about the best place until it’s all sorted.

He looked at his Christmas cards and picked up the one from that odd bloke at Sovereign Trust who keeps writing about things. What did it say again? Ah yes.

A very Merry Christmas from all the staff at Sovereign Trust, Gibraltar – and a Prosperous and Happy New Year 2012.

He felt jolly once again.